


Already Gone

by FancyFulOfLife



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Healing, It started way before a letter, M/M, Maddie is actually Team Eddie because that’s what big sisters are for, blame Jen I learned it from her, fighting for what you want, firefam as family mad at themselves, it has a happy ending but first it’s gonna hurt, it takes awhile, it takes two to love and two to mess it up, what we have here is a failure to communicate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23312596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FancyFulOfLife/pseuds/FancyFulOfLife
Summary: Eddie gets a dose of reality
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 212





	1. Chapter 1

_I don’t know how to start this.  
_

_I don’t know if I even want to start this but there are some things in life you don’t want to do and have to do them anyway. Some things you want to hold onto but have to let go.  
_

_Dear Eddie, Eds, sounds so cliché. Sometimes you just start, right?_

_I want you to know I will always be Christopher’s Buck. I’m a phone call away if he needs me. I will never abandon him or not be there for him. God, I love that kid like he’s my own. Sometimes I wish he was. Sometimes I slip up and think he is. He’s important._

_Know that._

_Make sure he knows that. I’m going to talk to him everyday. Hopefully take him places. I’m not going behind your back doing it. It’s between me and Christopher._

_Today was my last shift with the 118. Well, by the time you read this it will be yesterday was my last shift with the 118. My transfer cleared two weeks ago._

_I learned my strengths are in my weaknesses. To own that. I have felt burden with blame and apologized for things my whole life that I shouldn’t have to. I know this place, this building. I know all the faces I grew up here with. My family. Part of my family at least. They’re in this building. Engraved in it. Just like you. It helped shape me, they helped shape me, into a better man. A man that’s at peace with himself._

_You’re part of that reason. You and Christopher._

_We may be small and a little bit broken but good, yeah good. Pretty sure I can quote all of Christopher’s favorite movies by heart and I love that I can._

_I never dreamed that I would feel like home is not where I belong. I fought so hard to get back to it._

_I’m not talking about the 118 anymore._

_I never thought of my apartment as home. Your house, was home. My home. At least I thought it was._

_But it’s not._

_I remember so many months ago, a party at your place, Maddie telling me she was trying to save me from myself and I didn’t get it then. I do now. She was doing the big sister thing and trying to save me from the inevitable.  
_

_From this._

_I took my Lieutenant exam. Top 1%. Bobby thinks in another two years I can go for Captain. Already has the letter of recommendation typed out. Its nice to feel that faith someone has in you. That look of fatherly pride and adoration. Athena has one for me as well. They’re so certain. May and Harry are excited to see me get my promotion at the ceremony, Bobby is giving me my new badge.  
_

_I hope you let Carla bring Christopher._

_I wanted you to be the first person I told and for the first time, you weren’t. I called Josh of all people. He’s a good guy. He’s kept me busy and out of my head the past few months. Told me he gets it. I didn’t even have to tell him what it was. Him and Al, Albert. I swear that kid is a mini Chim. The look on Chim’s face that night at dinner when Al finally told him he’s joining the academy. He’s been talking about it for two months now. I kept telling him to just rip the band aid off._

_Easier said than done. Like I’m one to talk, right?  
_

_That mixture of fear and pride on Chim’s face. Then the hugging and crying. If he doesn’t end up at the 118, I hope he ends at mine._

_I think he’s going to propose to Maddie soon. Chim, not Al._

_Made me realize how long it’s been since you dropped by my apartment unexpectedly coming in using your key and we just hung out or had a movie night. Texted or talked on the phone._

_Realized if you go to my apartment it will be empty because I moved two weeks ago or that if you call you’ll get this number is not in service because I changed numbers._

_Realized you hadn’t even noticed because you haven’t said anything._

_Because you stopped dropping in or calling. You did that months ago._

_I get it. You’re happy and I’m happy for you. I can fake a laugh, a smile. I’ve been doing it since you told me you met Ana at parent teacher night. Been biting my tongue. Watching as we drift apart the closer the two of you get._

_But Eds, I’m only human. I can only take so much until I’ve had enough. Maybe it’s selfish of me but I can’t fake it anymore._

_Looking back to the day we met, I think we were always meant to help each other grow then…..well._

_Here I was thinking I was a root in yours and Christopher’s tree when it turns out I’m just a leaf. There for a season._

_For you anyway._

_I’ll always be Christopher’s root._

_I see now we were never meant for anything more than what we got. I cherish every moment of it. I cherish the memories I have of you. The smiles, the way you laugh. The way we silently just talked to each other. It was perfect.  
_

_Now someone else gives you that. Makes you smile, laugh, have those silent eye conversations with._

_This road we’re on, it’s come to a fork. Yours is going in a different direction and I have to let it. It has been for awhile now._

_I didn’t ever picture us burning out. Drifting apart bit by bit. Somewhere along the way we became those people that hit the like button on an Instagram post.  
_ _  
It’s different than it was with Abby. Abby just ghosted me. You just found life again.  
_

 _I’m glad you did. You deserve it. Happiness. Love. Security. Someone that understands you. The whole domestic package._ _  
_

_I love you Edmundo Diaz. I love you so much that I’m letting you go._

_I want you to go be happy._

_So, that means someone has to leave because it hurts to keep faking it and that someone is me._

_I have to. You’re everywhere at the 118. The gym. The trucks. The dinner table. God, just looking at you makes it harder. To breathe, to think. To just exist._

_I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better……as your best friend._

_That’s all I was ever going to be. I get it now. That’s what Maddie was trying to tell me to save myself from. She saw it before I did. How attached I am to you and that sweet little boy. That I thought of you as my little family. How much I wanted to make you mine. That I could be the one that understood you. That I wanted to give you that domestic package._

_How you will always be in my heart and how hard it will be to find someone that makes me feel the way you do._

_Chris has me forever._

_Carla, Maddie, everyone has the number. They know where I’m living now._

_I don’t want you to know though and everyone gets it, respects it. It’s the only way I can do this. Nothing can make this feel right but it has to be done._

_The key to your house is in the envelope if it hasn’t already fallen out. I have a feeling someone else needs it now._

_Be happy. Move on to great things. Know that someone out there loves you so much that they want you to be happy even if they’re miserable._

_I can’t write the words goodbye to you. I don’t want to._

_The name Edmundo Diaz is forever engraved in my heart like a permanent tattoo that can never be removed._

_I love you. I thought I knew what those words meant. I thought I knew with Abby. Then you came into my life and showed me._

_Don’t look for me or ask._

_I’m already gone._


	2. Chapter 2

_“I think my son wants to move away and raise himself.” Buck opened his Jeep door to find a kicked looking puppy in the form of one Eddie Diaz standing there._

_“Eddie, he’s always been Mr. Independent. He likes to do as much as he can on his own. Now he’s spending nights with friends. It makes him feel like he can try new things. Makes him feel not so different when the other kids treat him like he’s not different. Which means a lot. He was used to being teased. Now he’s found a group of friends that look past his CP to him. It’s a good thing. You know, like this little family here. We all have our little quirks but we love each other and look past them to protect each other. He’s finally found that. Add that to what he went through with counseling he’s more confident. You’ve always told him he can do anything. I take it the sleepover and Mrs. Mendez taking him to school this morning is going harder on you than him?” Buck asked with a raised eyebrow slinging his bag over his shoulder as they walk side by side bumping into each other as if by an unseen magnetic force that fate has granted them._

_“I got a thirty second phone call of ‘Hey dad. Off to school. Love you.’ Then he hung up before I could even reply back.”_

_By now they’re inside the firehouse, putting their bags away so they can change for the day. “Eddie, we talked about this at breakfast and half the night since you came over after your parent teacher conferences. The tsunami thing by the way. Well, Eddie. Considering he lived through one. It’s on other people, not him, to understand.”_

_“I know he loves me. I’m just not ready yet okay. I thought thirteen would be the drop me off a mile away from school age. Not eight.”_

_“Yet I’m the dramatic one. Eddie. He had fun with a friends. Which is a good thing. I wonder about all those hits to your head during your fighting phase and I hate to burst that fragile ego of yours but it ain’t about you. It’s about Christopher finally finding his place. So, maybe back off and let him. He was probably still in having fun with a friend mode when he called you. AT LEAST he called you.” It was then Buck’s phone started ringing. With a grin Buck answered. “Hey Superman. You did? No, dad’s here. He probably hit the do not disturb button by accident again when he put his phone on his locker shelf. Yeah, just let me put it on speaker.”_

_“Hey, dad.”_

_“Hey, buddy. I’m sorry I didn’t answer my phone.”_

_“It’s okay. I know to call My Buck because you’re with him.” Came through the speaker phone. “I can’t wait to tell you about the LEGO castle and Kenny showed me a cool new trick on our video game. I love you dad.”_

_“I love you too, buddy. Have a good day at school.”_

_“My Buck.”_

_“Yeah Superman.”_

_“You’re gonna be okay kid.”_

_“You’re gonna be okay kid. Show those teachers they don’t know who they’ve dealing with.”_

_Buck hit the end call button when the phone went silent and gave Eddie a “Stop telling me I’m the dramatic one” look._

_“What?” Eddie says as he slides his arms through his shirt. “Okay. I’m the over dramatic parent.”_

_Buck is sitting on the bench tying his boot when Chim sticks his head in. “Hey Buck. Maddie told me to be sure to rub it in she got two hundred bucks off you last night. So, this is a heads up that you’ll be hearing about it most of the day.”_

_After Chim is gone Eddie turns to Buck, snapping the buttons on his shirt. “She has no clue you let her win, does she?”_

_“Maybe she’s just a good poker player.” Buck says pulling his own dress shirt on over his tee._

_“Yeah. Like I always happen win when we play video games in front of Chris. Buck. You were a dealer and worked the tables in Vegas while you were finishing your Engineering Masters. You know, the reason you got the Fire Marshall job aaaannndddd she doesn’t know you worked in a casino in Vegas or about your Master degree. Seriously, am I the only person you tell anything too?”_

_“Maybe. It makes her feel good.”_

_“You’re a sap.”_

_“No. I’m a brother that likes to see his sister happy and his Superman see his father as a winner. So, parent teacher night. I’m sorry I missed it. You didn’t say much about it last night.”_

_“It wasn’t that exciting. Besides I know how important Buckley sibling game night is since, him that shall not be named. Although I now know Maddie doesn’t think you’re good enough for Josh. You didn’t miss much.” Eddie is now tying his own boots. “It was nice to have a night off to go for once and Carla navigated me through it.”_

_“Funny. I’m not free salsa, I’m cheese dip baby. He couldn’t handle it. Let me guess a bunch of puns, jokes you didn’t get and Christopher is the best child ever created but that is not why you are beet red.”_

_“You are definitely hot and spicy cheese dip and trust me, not everyone can handle it. Good thing I know you so well that I can.” Eddie misses the look on his face and Buck pausing tucking in his shirt when he says with that crooked, flirty grin and a far off look “his English teacher knew Eddie is short for Edmundo.”_

The station is quiet when Eddie walks in. He’s a bit worried. Buck’s Jeep isn’t here yet and he’s always early for a shift. So much that Eddie found himself after a few months of working here he started coming in early to get some extra time with him. Not that they already didn’t spend every working moment together and almost every non-working as well. Maybe it was just in the shop but normally when that happens Buck spends the night and comes in with Eddie after pizza and video games.

After quickly changing into his uniform and not seeing Buck’s bag Eddie races upstairs “Hey, has anyone heard from Buck?” to find an even quieter and tense kitchen. Hen and Chim are sitting grim faced, each on a stool at the kitchen Island. Athena is leaning up against the kitchen sink in her uniform, her expression cold when it’s normally unreadable.

Then there is Bobby. Sitting alone at the table in one of the middle side seats facing the railing with a white envelope in front of him. Face not in Captain mode but a mixture of hurt and anger? Wait. Why is Bobby angry?

“Is Buck okay? Did he get hurt? He’s been off the blood thinners since March. He didn’t develop a clot did he?”

Bobby sighs and nods his head to the seat opposite him. “Eddie, why don’t you sit down?”

Eddie pulls out a chair and Bobby pushes the envelope across the table to him. He picks it up seeing “Eddie” in the handwriting he would recognize anywhere as Buck’s.

The envelope isn’t sealed so he just opens the flap and pulls out the two sheets of paper and starts reading.

He leans back about hallways through, a frown appearing when he gets to the second page.

He sits the letter down and starts laughing. Chim standing up with a look of disgust.

“Eddie, it’s not funny.”

“Oh, Chim. Yeah it is. Seriously, this tops the prank war. Good one. Buck transferring and cutting me off. Like that would happen.” Eddie stands up walking over to the island, looking behind it. “Okay, Buck you can come out now.” He yells.

“Eddie. Are you so blind to what’s been happening that you didn’t even notice his locker is empty?” Hen quietly asks him.

“Really guys? Like I’d fall for this.” Eddie pulls out his phone and dials Buck’s number. Instead of ringing a ding gong ding plays and an automated voice answers with “This number is not in service.” His face growing paler with each word.

He can feel the blood rushing from his head and his heart beating faster in panic.

Eddie runs over the the railing looking down through the glass of the locker room to see the empty locker next to his. Shelf cleaned off and no turnout gear hanging inside with the name “Buckley” on it.

“Where…where is he?”

“He started his new assignment as Lieutenant at the new station this morning.” Bobby tells him, his voice a bit stern.

“Where is he.” Eddie says turning. Not a question. A demand as he looks at the rest of the team. “Please tell me.” They all shake their head no.

By now Athena has put her coffee cup away and calmly stands in front of Eddie. “He was right in front of you for over two years.” She says. She walks over, kisses Bobby on the cheek and makes her way down the stairs.

Eddie grabs the two pieces of paper and the envelope, rushing down the stairs to the locker room to find the nameplate “Buckley” gone.

“Damn you, Buck.” He yells as he starts tearing up the two pieces of paper, letting them float to the ground.

He sits on the bench, the envelope with his name on it clutched in his hands and he bends over. He rests his elbows in his legs and cradles his head with his fist as tears start to form. “No. No. No. No. No. Evan, please no.” He grabs his phone from his pocket. Scrolling through texts trying to find Buck’s name. When did Buck’s texts get so far down the list? Next he checks phone calls under Buck’s number. He sees missed incoming calls that stopped months ago but no outgoing.

When did they stop texting and calling each other to talk all night?

According to his phone, there were sporadic calls in June. Then nothing.

He couldn’t remember the last time Buck stayed at the house or he stayed at Buck’s apartment overnight.

When had Buck become a guest and how had Maddie seen it coming? He was just as attached to Buck, maybe even more so. Didn’t everyone know it? See it? That he needs him?

When did they become out of sync?

Did he try so hard with Ana to not make the same mistakes with her as he did with Shannon that he truly neglected someone he loves so horribly?

He looks down and sees the torn scattered pieces of paper that start to flitter around the room as if running away.

Getting down on his hands and knees, Eddie gathers the pieces. Grabbing scotch tape from the shelf of someone’s locker, he doesn’t care who it belongs to.

Straddling the bench he lays the crumpled pieces out then starts painstakingly and carefully, like they’re made from the most fragile of paper, putting them back together like a puzzle until the two pieces of paper lay on the bench in front of him looking like a hundred year old artifact.

He lightly touches one of many dried wet spots.

Buck’s tears had fallen on the paper as he wrote the words that would shatter Eddie’s world apart.

He gently places tape against the paper, glueing the puzzle back tighter not noticing the new fresh wet drops as he does so.

When he’s done he reads it again and again before gently folding it and like precious fine china puts it back in the crumbled envelope. He lays it flat on the bench, pressing his hands against it as he tries to put it back to its original state but fails.

It’s in shambles much like his soul.

He doesn’t have to turn around to know who is standing behind him.

“Did you read it?” He asks Bobby.

“I stayed with him last night while he wrote it. That’s draft number five. He wanted to tell you in person but you ran out when shift ended saying you had plans that you would catch him later. So, he wrote you a letter.” Bobby is leaning against the doorframe, arms and legs crossed.

“I’ve done that a lot lately, haven’t I?”

“That you have. He didn’t have me read it to know your business. He wanted to make sure since I was the one you talked to about Shannon when you got busted street fighting that you didn’t think he was doing the same thing.”

“No. Buck isn’t Shannon. I am. I made him feel like he wasn’t enough. Bobby, how do I fix it?”

“Well, admitting that is a start. You know he loves you yet you started dating Ana anyway. I also know you love him which when you brought Ana around had me perplexed. We all were but we liked her at first and she seemed to make you happy but you’ve also been blind to the fairytale princess act that you haven’t noticed what she has said to your friends. I get it. You want to correct your mistakes with Shannon but you didn’t see what was already in front of you. What’s been in front of you for over two years now since the day I told Buck to play nice. You and Buck bicker like my grandparents that have been married for almost sixty years. Then you have no definition of personal space. He was genuinely happy for you. Still is. He wants you to be happy. You’re so into making something with Ana that you didn’t notice what you had slipping away. Him turning into a ghost that we all wondered when you’d notice, if we should step in and knock some sense into you. You didn’t notice Buck going to your Abuela’s to see Christopher or when he is with Carla so he doesn’t feel like Buck is abandoning him.”

Bobby steps into the room, straddling the bench in front of Eddie that is still holding the letter down against the wood. “How do you fix it? By doing what he asked you to. Let him go. Give him space. Time. By god let him see that little boy.”

Bobby stands up and before he leaves the room Eddie asks “His promotion ceremony? So, Chris can be there?”

“Next Tuesday.”

“Can Chris…Can Chris help you give him his new badge?” Eddie’s voice is raw.

“I think that would be perfect.” Bobby leaves then turns back around. “If you love him like I believe you do. Let him go, give him some time. Figure out what you want, figure out how you got here and then after you figure it out, what you want, if it is what I believe it is then you fight like hell for him.”

He can tell Bobby is gone. He’s alone in the locker room. He gently folds the envelope in half, sticking it in his pocket as he stands. He looks at Buck’s empty locker, sitting on the floor and scooting as far back into it as he can. Wrapping his his arms around his bent knees and burying his face into his legs.

He didn’t lose his best friend.

He pushed away the love he took for granted that he expected to always be there.

Silent sobs wrack his body as it shakes, tears streaming down his face as he mourns his greatest mistake.


End file.
